I'm living in the days ahead...

I had such a busy weekend! On Saturday I went down to Kansas City for my cousin's wedding reception. It was very pretty. I didn't know most of the people at the reception, so for a while I just sat at a table with my mom or mingled a little around. One of my cousins who saw that I was off on my own came over and talked to me a little, which was really considerate of him. After a little while, I asked my uncle if he could get me into a group somewhere and he introduced me to some other guys. I had a really encouraging time with people, then. That was a huge highlight of my evening!

On Sunday God really spoke to my heart in Sunday-school. We're going through 1 John. John is writing about living out what we know in the Bible. He uses several interesting contrasts such as light versus darkness and truth versus deceit. I know that God wanted me to be in this class because of the emphasis on putting the lifestyle behind our faith. The teacher made a comment that stuck with me. He said that we need to be careful that our lifestyle doesn't deny Christ. It really got me thinking about how a Christian should walk.

Our lives are like a collection of exhibits in a court of law. There will be evidence that either supports the fact that we are followers of Christ, or eveidence that denies it. How much conflicting evidence do we build up on a daily basis that we don't even think about? How many exhibits are we displaying to the court of the world and of the angels that we're Christians? If someone were to lay out our actions, words and thoughts, would the world be able to make a clear verdict?

Some questions that are going through my mind, are still about media. Is the music I'm listening to clear enough about Christ that someone could understand the Gospel through it? If someone un-saved sat down and watched all the movies in my library, could I tell them that God makes a difference in my life without saying anything afterward? Another question is, "Could I even present the Gospel to them in good conscience?" Does God even make any noticeable difference in me at all? Sure, I don't wear a tee-shirt that says, "Hi. I'm a Christian." But if all my exhibits were pinned up at the mall, could people see a theme about Christ in my life?

After Sunday-school and church, God brought some very encouraging people to me. One young man was sharing with me about his devotional life, which really lifted my heart up to God! Another young man came up to me and introduced himself. He was in the youth group one night when a friend and I shared about our passion for evangelism. He said that he'd been thinking about our ministry and that God had been speaking to him about it. So I encouraged him to read more of the Bible and to practice what he understands. It was completely a God-thing!

An awesome song that's been ministering to me lately, is What Could Be Better, by 33 Miles. Am I the only one who's noticed a lack of songs written about looking forward to Heaven?

I've heard it said today
Is all we're given
Tomorrow may not come
So you better start living
I guess it all depends
On your point of view

Pardon me if I
Just don't listen
To everything the world
Says I'm missing
There's nothing here and now

I'm gonna hold on to

Chorus:
I'm living in the days ahead
I'm already dancing on the streets of gold
Can't stop celebrating in my soul
I'm living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can't wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better

If home is where the heart
Is then I'm in Heaven
It's the promise of tomorrow
That I've been given
Who is waiting there I am living for

He's everything I love
And I believe in
And I can hardly wait
Just to see Him
And hear Him say well done
I couldn't ask for more

Chorus:
I'm living in the days ahead
I'm already dancing on the streets of gold
Can't stop celebrating in my soul
I'm living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can't wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better

Life is full of ups and downs
Inside outs, round and rounds
Can't blame me for dreaming about it

Chorus:
I'm living in the days ahead
I'm already dancing on the streets of gold
Can't stop celebrating in my soul
I'm living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can't wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better

May the grace and peace of our Lord and Jesus be with you always,

~Curtis~

A Beautiful Surrender

I used to be a practical gnostic for most of my saved life. And I can safely say that most Christians are. A gnostic is one who believes that the spirit of a man is good and the physical is evil. God is a supreme, distant being who, through a series of emanations, became another being we know as 'Creator God'. He created the universe, but mankind got somewhat muddled up and enslaved in evil. A divine element (also referred to as the 'Divine Spark') fell from Heaven and was lodged in certain people and gave them the ability to realize salvation through the pursuit of gnosis, or knowledge. I didn't hold to those beliefs or call myself a gnostic, but I acted as though the Christian walk was all about knowledge and putting facts into my head. Inside I was shutting out the Holy Spirit and carrying on with the lifestyle I wanted to.

I think the one area that most Christians forget is surrender. Modern evangelism over-emphasizes freedom and when somebody gets saved they think of salvation as only 'fire insurance'. With salvation comes a responsibility to grow in Christ. Growth means surrender since our lives were formerly enslaved to sin. Salvation is like the new portal to living spiritually. Most Christians choose to linger just inside, instead of journeying farther to discover the precious comfort that only a closer relationship with God can offer. Maybe they're afraid to let go of the weights they carried in their former life, or maybe they're too afraid of what their friends from the other side will call to them.

If you are a born-again believer, then God has sent His Seal of Salvation, the Holy Spirit, to you. John 14:16-17 says, "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you." As long as God's law is on your heart and mind, the Holy Spirit will be convicting you about areas that need to be surrendered. The more you know about God's law, the more responsibility you have to surrender whatever the Holy Spirit points out to you. So start getting rid of stuff. Trust me, it's a lot easier if you take the initiative instead of having God come along to cut the dead weight off.

Then there's the area of fearing what people may say, think, or even do to you. A friend of mine told me a catchy acronym for this: FOM (fear of man). The Bible talks about having no FOM in Hebrews 13.6; "So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'" God made us all unique for a purpose. We all have an individual way to serve Him in this world. People will appreciate you for being who God made you to be, not who you feel pressured to be like the most. There's no individuality in 'going with the flow'. Form principles and know why they're important to you. Be different! Watch out for FOM.

Personally, music is a really huge area of my life that I've surrendered to God lately. I tried to follow the world with the artists I listened to and it was literally dragging me away from God. Whenever I tried to concentrate on talking to God, music would switch on in my head and distract me. So I just made the decision to stop listening to all secular music except for classical. I have always noticed the life and joy that was in Christian lyrics, but never has it been such a blessing to me as when I'd gotten rid of all the other junk I used to listen to. Glorify God with your music! Remember, it's better to have a song in your head that praises God instead of one that curses or dishonors Him.

I've also been putting up some safeguards for the movies I watch as well. I used to really get into horror flicks and stuff like that. Only now that I think back about it, do I realize the complete degradation of life that was portrayed and glorified on the screen. Comedy is no different. Anything, people, ANYTHING can be turned into a joke. I think one of the biggest successes of Satan, is getting us Christians to laugh at sin and to take it lightly. As soon as you let your guard down, anything can make you laugh if you don't think about God's moral standards for Christians. The Bible is quite clear about staying away from evil. Romans 16:19b; "But I want you to be wise as to what is good and innocent as to what is evil."; I Corinthians 14:20; "Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature."; I Thessalonians 5:22; "Abstain from every form of evil."

God has been moving my faith to some new frontiers! Every morning, I get my focus on God by talking to Him when I wake up. I ask God to give me a servant's heart and a mind to follow His will during the day. I've also been praying for opportunities to share the Gospel with someone. After lifting His name up and thanking Him for the day He's given me, I pray for my friends and people who need Salvation. Sometimes it takes me a good hour to pray individually for everyone, but it always helps me to put my focus on seeking the needs of other people. During breakfast, I have my devotions so that God's Word will stay fresh on my mind for the day. Recently, I've been leaving the Christian radio station on so that my heart is in a constant state of worship. At night, I talk to God about my day and ask forgiveness for the times I've fallen down (which is usually quite a lot). I also thank Him for the opportunities He gave me to serve my family and/or other people. It is so encouraging to review my day and to see how God answered my prayers from the morning. I always make sure to fall asleep while praying for my friends again and while listening to the Bible on my cd player. God is so good!

So that's the direction my life has been going in lately! I'm slowly learning how to live for God and how to serve other people. I don't even know why I didn't start moving ahead in my faith before. God is faithful, everyone. Don't ever forget that. And He will preserve His people and perfect their faith. It's all about God, y'all. I know that I still need to surrender much more to Him, but at least I'm getting a start on it!

I pray that this will be a challenge to whoever reads this. The feedback I've gotten from you has already been SUCH an encouragement to me! If anybody has anything they need prayer about, please let me know. Just leave me a message or an e-mail and I will be more than honored to bring you before the Lord.

Grace and peace be with you,

~Curtis~

A Personal Confession

Matthew 6.24a says, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other.”

James 4.4 says, “Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”

I had wandered into a dangerous and distant land. There were excuses, of course, lies that I had told myself and my parents even though I knew the truth. Perhaps that is why I wandered as far as I did. But, with God’s help, I am turning around now, and I only thank Him that my parents’ and sister’s attention was called to it before I destroyed any more of my soul.

I listened to music that was not honorable, pure, or glorifying to God by any means. Because of my desire to be embraced by the friendship of the world, I exposed my soul and the souls of others to the world’s filth. It no longer mattered to me if the music I pursued was obtained legally or not. Most of the secular cds I had were stolen from the internet.

Over the space of a few weeks, the videos I watched became progressively violent and morally objectionable. Furthermore, as I continued to watch, the more I was able to stomach and, ultimately, be desensitized by. I failed to realize that my parents’ protection was well-founded and necessary. In short, I was sacrificing my conscience on the altar of my pride.

As of the other day, I have smashed and deleted all the illegal music I own. I have decided to listen only and indefinitely to Christian and classical music. My bit-torrent program is erased and fire walled from my computer. I am also blocking the sites from which I streamed the movies. In accordance with all of this, I am resuming the habit of playing my Bible on audio before bed each night. My parents are also holding me more accountable for the time I spend on my laptop. Currently, I am writing up a letter to send to the record companies that I stole music from to inquire about reimbursement.

And now, I wish to extend an apology and a plea to everyone who knows me and who reads this. Please forgive me for the destructive influence I’ve been to you all. I have betrayed my core values and the trust I had established with my friends and family. I understand the ramifications of my actions and I’m willing to accept any consequences that may follow these confessions. But please also bear me up in prayer for my restoration. If any of you read, hear, or otherwise observe behavior, speech, or lifestyles in me that are not glorifying to God, hold me accountable for it. Inform me about it if I do not seem to notice it myself. If I have done something publicly, then reprove me publicly. I would also invite anyone to call my parents if they see anything un-Godly in me.

~Curtis~

Breaking Outside

*This is a short poem I just wrote today. It can be a conclusion of sorts to "Again", I suppose.*

I'm breaking outside myself
reaching out to help you
turns out all that was between us
was always me
I'm breaking outside myself
reaching out to help you
I was blind to your hurt by fear
and my insecurity
(so now I'm) breaking outside of me

~Curtis~

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Here I am. Blogging again. I can't seem to crank out a funny blog for the life of me. God has been amazing to me lately and my life has been retaining some resemblance of substance. I guess I'm glad that my blogs have also become a little more serious, but I need to get a side-splitter out there soon.

This blog is written to everybody, the people who read it including the people who don't.

I have this dream again and again. When the dream comes to me, it's as real as it was the time before. Have you ever dreamed something so terrible, you wished you could wake up? Parts of your dream stay in your memory throughout the day and you catch yourself watching for parallels between the world you live in and the world your mind fabricated at night . I've been awake and wished that I was just dreaming. My dreams at night will loop their own versions of my reality in the day-time. Except I know that it isn't entirely a dream. It's a strange paradox. Here's my dream: one of my friends is standing on a cliff. I am at least a mile away. For some reason, I can see them clearly, as if I were standing right next to them, but I know that I am too far away to even touch them or talk to them. They keep moving closer and closer to the edge of the cliff and I start running towards them, screaming. No matter how hard I run, I can not get any closer to them. An awful feeling rises in my gut. They always fall, though, in my dreams and they always look towards me, as if they wish that I could reach out and pull them back from the brink. Time freezes and the image is then pasted in my mind for days and days on end.

This has been my dream. You might know who you are and you might be surprised to know who you are. There are several people who are falling... maybe it's just all in my dreams... maybe it's in reality. I've seen too many fall and I don't want to let another one go. I would die for them if I could bring them back and I would die for the ones who are reaching their cliff. Please, I love you all and I'd do absolutely anything for you. God knows all the nights I've cried myself to sleep for you and the other people I've seen jumping off their cliff.

Sometimes I question myself and I wonder if there's anybody else out there who dreams the same thing I do, anybody who would be willing to risk everything to bring someone back. If you're out there, do something. Talk to the people who need to be saved. Pray for them. Don't let them slip into darkness unnoticed. God's grace pulled us out of sin and adopted us into God's family. Do you know what? God's family is all about saving lives. Jesus taught His disciples how to be fishers of men; why should we think that we are called to any other purpose?

You all are always in my prayers.

~Curtis~

I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls.

'Ello world! It's me again, attempting to keep my blog alive with a desperately-needed update. Life has been... beautiful. There's a peace around me that I can't explain. I've been getting back to more regular prayer times. Maybe that's a part of it. If you ever need me to pray for you guys about anything, just let me know. I used to be more available to prayer requests and since I really miss that, I've decided to return to ministering to my friends. Some of y'all are in my prayers constantly and God is continuing to lay people on my heart. So just leave me a comment or an e-mail if you're just having a rough time with something and I'll count it as an honor to lift you up before the Lord.

I know this isn't a random or a funny blog, but hopefully the Spirit will move me a little later.

I love you all! I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you.

~Curtis~

PS. The title of my blog is from 2 Corinthians 12.15. I've decided to make it my new favorite verse.

I Still Try To Find My Place in the Diary of Jane...

Life is moving along. The future is still uncertain, but I'm learning how to accept that. Right now my interests lie in cinema and digital video. Depending on job availability, that might change. I've been learning to let go of interests. There is no security anywhere. I think this is God's way of keeping me moving. That's another thing I've learned lately. Following God never means settling down in one place and going static. There are tasks that always needs to be done, places that always need to be visited, people that always need to be met and a purpose that always needs to be discerned. Really, the Christian Walk is aptly named. My life is not so unlike an enormous jig-saw puzzle. God keeps fitting more pieces into place. Parts of me that I thought were lost are being restored. And always, I'm longing for the day when all makes sense and my picture is completed.

The people in my life are changing. I feel like a revolving door. I'll meet an individual or even a family who plays a part in my life and then God will move them somewhere else. Again, instead of resenting this cycle, I've come to accept it. I can appreciate someone for what I've been able to give to them as well as what they've given to me. As long as I can remember, I've been focused on people. Now I'm realizing more and more the ever-widening impact I have on those around me. But it's a little more than that. There's a different kind of freedom. Since more of the pieces of my life and characteristics are coming together, I'm finding that I can change myself to fit the needs of other people more specifically. And to supplement this, people are coming into my life that I feel like I can really mean something to.

I'm still far from where I need to be, though. It's still a challenge to speak the Gospel to others in person. This is usually hard for everybody, I guess. But it'll be on my mind even, when I'm talking to someone and somehow I just don't bring myself around to telling them. I don't even know what I'm afraid of; I know that people respect me for being myself and for getting to the point. So many times, I'll rake myself over the coals because I let an opportunity slip by. My mom is such an encouragement to me, though. Before she even leaves the front house, she will start praying for an opportunity to witness to someone. And she follows through, too. She has literally witnessed to people behind her in line at our neighborhood grocery store. When she can't sleep at night (which is every night, towards the very early morning) she prays for people until she falls back asleep, or it's time to get up. For as long as I can remember, she has read through the entire Bible each year. I think she's read through it well over 15 times, now.

So that's a little bit of my life.

~Curtis~