I Still Try To Find My Place in the Diary of Jane...

Life is moving along. The future is still uncertain, but I'm learning how to accept that. Right now my interests lie in cinema and digital video. Depending on job availability, that might change. I've been learning to let go of interests. There is no security anywhere. I think this is God's way of keeping me moving. That's another thing I've learned lately. Following God never means settling down in one place and going static. There are tasks that always needs to be done, places that always need to be visited, people that always need to be met and a purpose that always needs to be discerned. Really, the Christian Walk is aptly named. My life is not so unlike an enormous jig-saw puzzle. God keeps fitting more pieces into place. Parts of me that I thought were lost are being restored. And always, I'm longing for the day when all makes sense and my picture is completed.

The people in my life are changing. I feel like a revolving door. I'll meet an individual or even a family who plays a part in my life and then God will move them somewhere else. Again, instead of resenting this cycle, I've come to accept it. I can appreciate someone for what I've been able to give to them as well as what they've given to me. As long as I can remember, I've been focused on people. Now I'm realizing more and more the ever-widening impact I have on those around me. But it's a little more than that. There's a different kind of freedom. Since more of the pieces of my life and characteristics are coming together, I'm finding that I can change myself to fit the needs of other people more specifically. And to supplement this, people are coming into my life that I feel like I can really mean something to.

I'm still far from where I need to be, though. It's still a challenge to speak the Gospel to others in person. This is usually hard for everybody, I guess. But it'll be on my mind even, when I'm talking to someone and somehow I just don't bring myself around to telling them. I don't even know what I'm afraid of; I know that people respect me for being myself and for getting to the point. So many times, I'll rake myself over the coals because I let an opportunity slip by. My mom is such an encouragement to me, though. Before she even leaves the front house, she will start praying for an opportunity to witness to someone. And she follows through, too. She has literally witnessed to people behind her in line at our neighborhood grocery store. When she can't sleep at night (which is every night, towards the very early morning) she prays for people until she falls back asleep, or it's time to get up. For as long as I can remember, she has read through the entire Bible each year. I think she's read through it well over 15 times, now.

So that's a little bit of my life.

~Curtis~

Social Graces, Revisited

It is funny to watch the nature of people and observe their presumed social responsibilities. In any given situation, someone will nearly always act in a way that they feel is socially acceptable. It can be hilarious when a situation comes along for which a prepared response in not available, packaged and ready for unloading. These situations can be very awkward and they often end in embarrassment, or harassment, sympathy, self-pity and brief to sustained self-loathing. Context in a conversation is the key, ladies and gentlemen. Always remember that. Prime examples of this tragic phenomenon are the misplacements of the traditional expressions, "thanks, you too," its counterpart, "yea, me too," "same here," or "oh, that's good." Most of these blunders are made abstractly and off-hand, to the great distress of the perpetrator, and occasionally, the hapless target.

"The semester exam is coming up. I wish I were dead!"

"Yea, me too."

Silence mingled with light shock will ensue directly following a comment of that nature. There are typically three responses to these disturbances of the social equilibrium. It is generally acceptable to leave a moment of grace after this careless remark in hopes of redemption and restorative measures; however, that is entirely up to the individual's discretion and emotional needs. The first response for the situation presented is the accusation. A person with high emotional needs would stop perfectly still in their laments and prepare to launch into this entirely new direction.

"Did you just say you wished that I was dead?!? Jerk!"

The offending party is left in the inevitable state of confusion and defense. Blood rushes festively to their face and the room seems to grow a few degrees warmer. The second common response is the derision. The scene is: you are leaving the front steps of a friend's house. He had just expressed his sorrow at not being able to attend a social function you had invited him to. As you make your way from his porch, he calls after you.

"Have a good time at the party tonight!"

"Thanks, You too!"

This may be one of the worst yet, as far as you, the unfortunate chap, goes. All the respective social authorities strictly forbid pouring over a farewell. You are half-way down the front walk by that time. And besides that, you were already bellowing across the lawn loud enough to wake the neighbors' deaf Siamese. The situation looks very grim. You keep walking anyway. You are not a fast thinker; that is why you got into this miserable, blundering business in the first place, blast it all! Behind the front door, your friend sneers derisively at the accidental transgression, despite his better upbringing. It is a bitter and cruel world we live in. The third response is a mutual moment of silence. This offense reveals more about the true character of the person at fault than both the other two solecisms.

"How's it goin'?"

"Horrible. My mum just died, the rest of my family disowned me, I lost my job and I'm a failure at life."

"Oh, that's good."

Awkward. Painfully awkward. And what do you say after something like that? Do you say, "I'm sorry, I am SO used to being indifferent about how you feel anyway, it just comes naturally now."? That will definitely NOT cut it. The only thing left for you to do is to prepare to live a life of social exclusion, harassment and sustained self-loathing. What a terrible way to be remembered by! What would your high school coach say to your biographer when you are gone? "He was a good kid. Really he was. He knew how to put his heart into the game. He was just socially backward." But let not your heart be troubled. All of these injustices CAN BE REMEDIED! My solution? Simply do not make these fatal errors to begin with.

~Curtis~

Again

Here's a song I just wrote a few minutes ago. Enjoy:

I'll find the words to let you know
but inside there's something I can't show
I get lost in a world that no one sees
and no one knows it's even me
before you walk away
before you walk away

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
so I'll lie to make it end
(I lie to make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
I'm trapped inside my head
(again)

I fight with voices no one hears
and couldn't stand down because of fear
want to break away from this duplicity
but I'm fighting just to breathe
before you walk away
before you walk away

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
so I'll lie to make it end
(I lie to make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
I'm trapped inside my head
(again)

I really want there to be
just you and me
but I keep getting in the way
I keep getting in the way
so please

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
maybe I'll make it to the end
(this time I'll make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
(again)
this comes so hard again
(again)
again

~Curtis~

Water

I just drank the best water in the world. Lincoln water is the best ever. Not Blair water. Not Topeka water. Not even Minneapolis water. There's just something about water from the city you grew up in that is so magical. It's like seeing an old park you played at as a child, or a neighborhood you grew up in. This water is your childhood. As soon as you drink it, you just automatically recognize it.

I think the most magical thing in the world, is taking a bottle of home water with you on a trip. I don't know about you, but the fun was over as soon as my bottle was empty. It was my connection to home. Maybe it's a security blanket issue, (thank you, Peanuts) or maybe it's nostalgia, or even identification. This was the water I grew up with, played in and was nourished by. (well, not this very water, but water from the same source) I honestly don't know how I could deal with someone who didn't like water. We'd probably become bitter foes and wind up having it out with swords on a tall structure. In slow motion. Always in slow motion. And very dramatically.

You see, water from home never changes. I draw most of my security in life from this. You'll never wake one day to find out that the water-treatment plant had flavored it with strawberry or sassafras or pumpernickel. The world is a better place when you've had a glass of home water. You want to know why some kids grew up to be derelicts and evil people? Their mums didn't give them enough water to drink. Yup. It's not exactly clinically proven, but I'm pretty sure they'd at least be better citizens if they'd drank more water as they were growing up.

Water is just insanely fantastic. What do you think the phrase "the glass is half-full" was talking about? I can tell you what it wasn't talking about. It wasn't talking about a glass of scotch, or milk, or Sunny D. Oh no. It was talking about the all-natural goodness that is water. You also know what? In the end, it really doesn't matter whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. What matters, is who's going to drink the water that's left! And that "who" should be you.

People can have their coffee. That's fine. I like coffee. But there'd be no coffee in the mug if there weren't thousands of little water molecules running their little droplets off through the percolator. Just think about it. Every time you walk outside, you're walking over humongous underground ducts that pipe unfathomable amounts of water to thousands of people, bringing joy and happiness to their other-wise mundane lives! Want to stimulate the economy? Ask your local grocer for water! Water makes people happy. And everybody knows that happy people are productive people and economically-stimulating people! Are you a proud US citizen? Drink water! Are you an under-privileged, third class US citizen? Drink water! Are you a 70s draft-dodger and former president of the US? Drink water! All the world's most successful CEOs drank water!

*turns head to the side and dramatically takes a swig of water*

~Curtis~

Your Show

I just saw an amazing movie. It is called The Truman Show. (1998) The star of the movie, Truman Burbank (played by Jim Carrey) discovers one day that his life is a reality tv show. Through a series of singular events, Burbank becomes curious about his world. He attempts to escape from the city that his adopted author created. In the end, Burbank faces the option of either staying in the perfect world where he is nurtured and cared for by the author, or leaving and discovering the real world. Possibilities and new expectations remain in the air as the director of the movie (Peter Weir) cuts the film just as Truman Burbank walks out of the controlled universe created for him.

Now I'm definitely not a fan of science fiction. The closest movie I ever got to liking in that genre was The Matrix. Nonetheless, I always love good story lines that take slightly different spins on what we consider to be the ordinary. After watching the movie, I was simply taken back. There is so much that is woven into the plot. The Truman Show pulled several strings in my heart and opened several doors of inquiry in my mind.

There is a quote from the movie that remains with me. When the author of the show is being interviewed he says, "We accept the reality of the world with which we're presented." This is an interesting concept. To a certain degree, we take the world around us at face value. Geographically, we know that life can be completely different on the other side of the world, or on a seperate continent. Spiritually, we have an abiding premonition that there's something more to this life. Ecclesiastes 3.11 tells us that God has placed eternity in our minds, so that we would seek after it, but never understand it entirely.

Another thought that strikes me is how unique people are. Do you ever considered how much of an irony it is for an actor to play the starring role in a biography? The only person who can ever do as much with the circumstances, background and characteristics that you have... is you. No one else can play your life. But we also need to remember that our lives were given to us by God. The world will always tell us that we are who we choose to be; however, this is not true. King Solomon tells us, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16.9) Our task is set before us and the wise man will follow after God. No one will be walking off this set without scripting from God.

I will leave you all with a few questions. Does God exist to relate to us? Do we exist to relate to each other, or do we exist to relate to God? While Truman Burbank leaves a world of facades for a real world, he also leaves a relationship with the author for a relationship with other people. Given, the author in The Truman Show was by no means an accurate portrayal of our Heavenly Father.

This is your show and everybody's watching. How are you going to relate to your Author?

~Curtis~

A Whiter Shade of Pale

Yo. Welcome to another fun, pointless blog. :) I'm going to try to incorporate some different things in my post. This is going to be another "what's on Curtis' mind tonight?" *grins* Welcome to a brave new world.

Maybe I'll pretend to be Norwegian and start all my paragraphs with "so then," lol. Oh, and I'll make dreadfully uninteresting declarative sentences. You know the kind. The ones that people make when they really don't want to be talking to you at all. You both stare at your drinks and glance awkwardly in different directions, as if you'd prefer stepping out in front of a runaway semi just about now.

"So then... you work in accounting?"

It never really is a question. And then, it isn't an observation of life, either. It's more like an acknowledgment, like nodding to a stranger as you pass him on the street. Something has to be said because something has to fill in the silence. Goodness, anything but the dreadful silence.

"Yes."

Wow. As if that solitary statement doesn't do more to kill the conversation than saying something stupid. I mean, even if you slapped the man across the face or dumped your drink over his wife's head, at least that would launch into an inquiry. Of course, it wouldn't be the socially recommended thing to do if you were aiming to begin a meaningful friendship. There are more awkward glances. Simultaneously, you clear your throats as if you're both visualizing the same semi, gunning down the freeway, with you, gleefully standing on the curb, ready to meet your Maker.

"How many years have you been there?"

The other man jerks his head back around to the conversation. He was just thinking about running over to the punch bowl and submerging his head until he expired.

"What?"

A look of disappointment spreads across his features. You repeat your question.

"How many years have you been working in accounting?"

"Oh, about 20 years now."

If you really want to gamble, ask a man about his job. Your results in opening such a field of discussion will be quite varied. If he loves his job, then you have hit the jackpot and a life-long friendship is practically secured. If he hates his job, then you will get a cold reply with a reproachful look at bringing up such a painful subject at a social function. At this point, you will need to use one of those emergency conversation respirators such as the weather or politics if you want to salvage the situation. If he is simply indifferent about his job then you are lost. You might as well say something stupid and leave the room immediately.

"Ah. How do you like your job?"

These are dangerous and uncharted waters now. It will be either sink or swim from here on. The man has been working there for 20 years, so he clearly ought to have a firmly-developed opinion about his place of employment. There will be no indifference about the matter. If he hates his job, then you will be faced with quite a daunting task. The very survival of the relationship now hangs in the balance.

"The pay is horrible. People need to learn how to appreciate a good employee when they have one."

This is the moment when the hero of the narrative looks to the east. Time slows down and for some reason, nothing can touch him as the resolution to the conflict comes riding over the next hill on a white steed. A brilliant, almost blinding light shines from beyond the hill. Your friend has returned from the bathroom. Your salvation has come.

"Well. It looks like we're ready to take off! It was nice meeting you."

Here, we have another irony. Even if both parties have internally agreed that the conversation has been a complete waste of time and brain cells, you still carry out the conventionalities. It's like giving a cigarette to a condemned man. Another prime example of these conventionalities is, "Stop by anytime you're in the neighborhood!" Of course they don't honestly expect you to stop by anytime you're in the neighborhood. In most cases, they're hoping that you don't even make it as far as the neighborhood. Or there's another classic, "I was in the area, so I thought I'd drop in!" They probably drove all the way across town to be a bug on your doormat, a grub in your garden, a proverbial fly in your proverbial greenhouse of life. In reality, they are trying to cover up their social blunder with guises of politeness.

So then. That's all I have for y'all tonight! I'll be blogging again soon! Ttyls!
~Curtis~

*Edit*

Ok y'alls. I've decided to pull that post I had up about the radio station. My mom and I agreed that if someone who didn't know me as well read it that they might get some wrong ideas about me, lol.
The world just wasn't ready for that one, in general. I think the humor was a little too dark anyway. Hopefully I'll be getting another post out with some good solid humor in it to make up for that one.

:-)

Tty'alls latah!
~Curtis~