Social Graces, Revisited

It is funny to watch the nature of people and observe their presumed social responsibilities. In any given situation, someone will nearly always act in a way that they feel is socially acceptable. It can be hilarious when a situation comes along for which a prepared response in not available, packaged and ready for unloading. These situations can be very awkward and they often end in embarrassment, or harassment, sympathy, self-pity and brief to sustained self-loathing. Context in a conversation is the key, ladies and gentlemen. Always remember that. Prime examples of this tragic phenomenon are the misplacements of the traditional expressions, "thanks, you too," its counterpart, "yea, me too," "same here," or "oh, that's good." Most of these blunders are made abstractly and off-hand, to the great distress of the perpetrator, and occasionally, the hapless target.

"The semester exam is coming up. I wish I were dead!"

"Yea, me too."

Silence mingled with light shock will ensue directly following a comment of that nature. There are typically three responses to these disturbances of the social equilibrium. It is generally acceptable to leave a moment of grace after this careless remark in hopes of redemption and restorative measures; however, that is entirely up to the individual's discretion and emotional needs. The first response for the situation presented is the accusation. A person with high emotional needs would stop perfectly still in their laments and prepare to launch into this entirely new direction.

"Did you just say you wished that I was dead?!? Jerk!"

The offending party is left in the inevitable state of confusion and defense. Blood rushes festively to their face and the room seems to grow a few degrees warmer. The second common response is the derision. The scene is: you are leaving the front steps of a friend's house. He had just expressed his sorrow at not being able to attend a social function you had invited him to. As you make your way from his porch, he calls after you.

"Have a good time at the party tonight!"

"Thanks, You too!"

This may be one of the worst yet, as far as you, the unfortunate chap, goes. All the respective social authorities strictly forbid pouring over a farewell. You are half-way down the front walk by that time. And besides that, you were already bellowing across the lawn loud enough to wake the neighbors' deaf Siamese. The situation looks very grim. You keep walking anyway. You are not a fast thinker; that is why you got into this miserable, blundering business in the first place, blast it all! Behind the front door, your friend sneers derisively at the accidental transgression, despite his better upbringing. It is a bitter and cruel world we live in. The third response is a mutual moment of silence. This offense reveals more about the true character of the person at fault than both the other two solecisms.

"How's it goin'?"

"Horrible. My mum just died, the rest of my family disowned me, I lost my job and I'm a failure at life."

"Oh, that's good."

Awkward. Painfully awkward. And what do you say after something like that? Do you say, "I'm sorry, I am SO used to being indifferent about how you feel anyway, it just comes naturally now."? That will definitely NOT cut it. The only thing left for you to do is to prepare to live a life of social exclusion, harassment and sustained self-loathing. What a terrible way to be remembered by! What would your high school coach say to your biographer when you are gone? "He was a good kid. Really he was. He knew how to put his heart into the game. He was just socially backward." But let not your heart be troubled. All of these injustices CAN BE REMEDIED! My solution? Simply do not make these fatal errors to begin with.

~Curtis~

A Whiter Shade of Pale

Yo. Welcome to another fun, pointless blog. :) I'm going to try to incorporate some different things in my post. This is going to be another "what's on Curtis' mind tonight?" *grins* Welcome to a brave new world.

Maybe I'll pretend to be Norwegian and start all my paragraphs with "so then," lol. Oh, and I'll make dreadfully uninteresting declarative sentences. You know the kind. The ones that people make when they really don't want to be talking to you at all. You both stare at your drinks and glance awkwardly in different directions, as if you'd prefer stepping out in front of a runaway semi just about now.

"So then... you work in accounting?"

It never really is a question. And then, it isn't an observation of life, either. It's more like an acknowledgment, like nodding to a stranger as you pass him on the street. Something has to be said because something has to fill in the silence. Goodness, anything but the dreadful silence.

"Yes."

Wow. As if that solitary statement doesn't do more to kill the conversation than saying something stupid. I mean, even if you slapped the man across the face or dumped your drink over his wife's head, at least that would launch into an inquiry. Of course, it wouldn't be the socially recommended thing to do if you were aiming to begin a meaningful friendship. There are more awkward glances. Simultaneously, you clear your throats as if you're both visualizing the same semi, gunning down the freeway, with you, gleefully standing on the curb, ready to meet your Maker.

"How many years have you been there?"

The other man jerks his head back around to the conversation. He was just thinking about running over to the punch bowl and submerging his head until he expired.

"What?"

A look of disappointment spreads across his features. You repeat your question.

"How many years have you been working in accounting?"

"Oh, about 20 years now."

If you really want to gamble, ask a man about his job. Your results in opening such a field of discussion will be quite varied. If he loves his job, then you have hit the jackpot and a life-long friendship is practically secured. If he hates his job, then you will get a cold reply with a reproachful look at bringing up such a painful subject at a social function. At this point, you will need to use one of those emergency conversation respirators such as the weather or politics if you want to salvage the situation. If he is simply indifferent about his job then you are lost. You might as well say something stupid and leave the room immediately.

"Ah. How do you like your job?"

These are dangerous and uncharted waters now. It will be either sink or swim from here on. The man has been working there for 20 years, so he clearly ought to have a firmly-developed opinion about his place of employment. There will be no indifference about the matter. If he hates his job, then you will be faced with quite a daunting task. The very survival of the relationship now hangs in the balance.

"The pay is horrible. People need to learn how to appreciate a good employee when they have one."

This is the moment when the hero of the narrative looks to the east. Time slows down and for some reason, nothing can touch him as the resolution to the conflict comes riding over the next hill on a white steed. A brilliant, almost blinding light shines from beyond the hill. Your friend has returned from the bathroom. Your salvation has come.

"Well. It looks like we're ready to take off! It was nice meeting you."

Here, we have another irony. Even if both parties have internally agreed that the conversation has been a complete waste of time and brain cells, you still carry out the conventionalities. It's like giving a cigarette to a condemned man. Another prime example of these conventionalities is, "Stop by anytime you're in the neighborhood!" Of course they don't honestly expect you to stop by anytime you're in the neighborhood. In most cases, they're hoping that you don't even make it as far as the neighborhood. Or there's another classic, "I was in the area, so I thought I'd drop in!" They probably drove all the way across town to be a bug on your doormat, a grub in your garden, a proverbial fly in your proverbial greenhouse of life. In reality, they are trying to cover up their social blunder with guises of politeness.

So then. That's all I have for y'all tonight! I'll be blogging again soon! Ttyls!
~Curtis~