A Personal Confession

Matthew 6.24a says, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other.”

James 4.4 says, “Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”

I had wandered into a dangerous and distant land. There were excuses, of course, lies that I had told myself and my parents even though I knew the truth. Perhaps that is why I wandered as far as I did. But, with God’s help, I am turning around now, and I only thank Him that my parents’ and sister’s attention was called to it before I destroyed any more of my soul.

I listened to music that was not honorable, pure, or glorifying to God by any means. Because of my desire to be embraced by the friendship of the world, I exposed my soul and the souls of others to the world’s filth. It no longer mattered to me if the music I pursued was obtained legally or not. Most of the secular cds I had were stolen from the internet.

Over the space of a few weeks, the videos I watched became progressively violent and morally objectionable. Furthermore, as I continued to watch, the more I was able to stomach and, ultimately, be desensitized by. I failed to realize that my parents’ protection was well-founded and necessary. In short, I was sacrificing my conscience on the altar of my pride.

As of the other day, I have smashed and deleted all the illegal music I own. I have decided to listen only and indefinitely to Christian and classical music. My bit-torrent program is erased and fire walled from my computer. I am also blocking the sites from which I streamed the movies. In accordance with all of this, I am resuming the habit of playing my Bible on audio before bed each night. My parents are also holding me more accountable for the time I spend on my laptop. Currently, I am writing up a letter to send to the record companies that I stole music from to inquire about reimbursement.

And now, I wish to extend an apology and a plea to everyone who knows me and who reads this. Please forgive me for the destructive influence I’ve been to you all. I have betrayed my core values and the trust I had established with my friends and family. I understand the ramifications of my actions and I’m willing to accept any consequences that may follow these confessions. But please also bear me up in prayer for my restoration. If any of you read, hear, or otherwise observe behavior, speech, or lifestyles in me that are not glorifying to God, hold me accountable for it. Inform me about it if I do not seem to notice it myself. If I have done something publicly, then reprove me publicly. I would also invite anyone to call my parents if they see anything un-Godly in me.

~Curtis~

Breaking Outside

*This is a short poem I just wrote today. It can be a conclusion of sorts to "Again", I suppose.*

I'm breaking outside myself
reaching out to help you
turns out all that was between us
was always me
I'm breaking outside myself
reaching out to help you
I was blind to your hurt by fear
and my insecurity
(so now I'm) breaking outside of me

~Curtis~

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Here I am. Blogging again. I can't seem to crank out a funny blog for the life of me. God has been amazing to me lately and my life has been retaining some resemblance of substance. I guess I'm glad that my blogs have also become a little more serious, but I need to get a side-splitter out there soon.

This blog is written to everybody, the people who read it including the people who don't.

I have this dream again and again. When the dream comes to me, it's as real as it was the time before. Have you ever dreamed something so terrible, you wished you could wake up? Parts of your dream stay in your memory throughout the day and you catch yourself watching for parallels between the world you live in and the world your mind fabricated at night . I've been awake and wished that I was just dreaming. My dreams at night will loop their own versions of my reality in the day-time. Except I know that it isn't entirely a dream. It's a strange paradox. Here's my dream: one of my friends is standing on a cliff. I am at least a mile away. For some reason, I can see them clearly, as if I were standing right next to them, but I know that I am too far away to even touch them or talk to them. They keep moving closer and closer to the edge of the cliff and I start running towards them, screaming. No matter how hard I run, I can not get any closer to them. An awful feeling rises in my gut. They always fall, though, in my dreams and they always look towards me, as if they wish that I could reach out and pull them back from the brink. Time freezes and the image is then pasted in my mind for days and days on end.

This has been my dream. You might know who you are and you might be surprised to know who you are. There are several people who are falling... maybe it's just all in my dreams... maybe it's in reality. I've seen too many fall and I don't want to let another one go. I would die for them if I could bring them back and I would die for the ones who are reaching their cliff. Please, I love you all and I'd do absolutely anything for you. God knows all the nights I've cried myself to sleep for you and the other people I've seen jumping off their cliff.

Sometimes I question myself and I wonder if there's anybody else out there who dreams the same thing I do, anybody who would be willing to risk everything to bring someone back. If you're out there, do something. Talk to the people who need to be saved. Pray for them. Don't let them slip into darkness unnoticed. God's grace pulled us out of sin and adopted us into God's family. Do you know what? God's family is all about saving lives. Jesus taught His disciples how to be fishers of men; why should we think that we are called to any other purpose?

You all are always in my prayers.

~Curtis~

I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls.

'Ello world! It's me again, attempting to keep my blog alive with a desperately-needed update. Life has been... beautiful. There's a peace around me that I can't explain. I've been getting back to more regular prayer times. Maybe that's a part of it. If you ever need me to pray for you guys about anything, just let me know. I used to be more available to prayer requests and since I really miss that, I've decided to return to ministering to my friends. Some of y'all are in my prayers constantly and God is continuing to lay people on my heart. So just leave me a comment or an e-mail if you're just having a rough time with something and I'll count it as an honor to lift you up before the Lord.

I know this isn't a random or a funny blog, but hopefully the Spirit will move me a little later.

I love you all! I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you.

~Curtis~

PS. The title of my blog is from 2 Corinthians 12.15. I've decided to make it my new favorite verse.

I Still Try To Find My Place in the Diary of Jane...

Life is moving along. The future is still uncertain, but I'm learning how to accept that. Right now my interests lie in cinema and digital video. Depending on job availability, that might change. I've been learning to let go of interests. There is no security anywhere. I think this is God's way of keeping me moving. That's another thing I've learned lately. Following God never means settling down in one place and going static. There are tasks that always needs to be done, places that always need to be visited, people that always need to be met and a purpose that always needs to be discerned. Really, the Christian Walk is aptly named. My life is not so unlike an enormous jig-saw puzzle. God keeps fitting more pieces into place. Parts of me that I thought were lost are being restored. And always, I'm longing for the day when all makes sense and my picture is completed.

The people in my life are changing. I feel like a revolving door. I'll meet an individual or even a family who plays a part in my life and then God will move them somewhere else. Again, instead of resenting this cycle, I've come to accept it. I can appreciate someone for what I've been able to give to them as well as what they've given to me. As long as I can remember, I've been focused on people. Now I'm realizing more and more the ever-widening impact I have on those around me. But it's a little more than that. There's a different kind of freedom. Since more of the pieces of my life and characteristics are coming together, I'm finding that I can change myself to fit the needs of other people more specifically. And to supplement this, people are coming into my life that I feel like I can really mean something to.

I'm still far from where I need to be, though. It's still a challenge to speak the Gospel to others in person. This is usually hard for everybody, I guess. But it'll be on my mind even, when I'm talking to someone and somehow I just don't bring myself around to telling them. I don't even know what I'm afraid of; I know that people respect me for being myself and for getting to the point. So many times, I'll rake myself over the coals because I let an opportunity slip by. My mom is such an encouragement to me, though. Before she even leaves the front house, she will start praying for an opportunity to witness to someone. And she follows through, too. She has literally witnessed to people behind her in line at our neighborhood grocery store. When she can't sleep at night (which is every night, towards the very early morning) she prays for people until she falls back asleep, or it's time to get up. For as long as I can remember, she has read through the entire Bible each year. I think she's read through it well over 15 times, now.

So that's a little bit of my life.

~Curtis~

Social Graces, Revisited

It is funny to watch the nature of people and observe their presumed social responsibilities. In any given situation, someone will nearly always act in a way that they feel is socially acceptable. It can be hilarious when a situation comes along for which a prepared response in not available, packaged and ready for unloading. These situations can be very awkward and they often end in embarrassment, or harassment, sympathy, self-pity and brief to sustained self-loathing. Context in a conversation is the key, ladies and gentlemen. Always remember that. Prime examples of this tragic phenomenon are the misplacements of the traditional expressions, "thanks, you too," its counterpart, "yea, me too," "same here," or "oh, that's good." Most of these blunders are made abstractly and off-hand, to the great distress of the perpetrator, and occasionally, the hapless target.

"The semester exam is coming up. I wish I were dead!"

"Yea, me too."

Silence mingled with light shock will ensue directly following a comment of that nature. There are typically three responses to these disturbances of the social equilibrium. It is generally acceptable to leave a moment of grace after this careless remark in hopes of redemption and restorative measures; however, that is entirely up to the individual's discretion and emotional needs. The first response for the situation presented is the accusation. A person with high emotional needs would stop perfectly still in their laments and prepare to launch into this entirely new direction.

"Did you just say you wished that I was dead?!? Jerk!"

The offending party is left in the inevitable state of confusion and defense. Blood rushes festively to their face and the room seems to grow a few degrees warmer. The second common response is the derision. The scene is: you are leaving the front steps of a friend's house. He had just expressed his sorrow at not being able to attend a social function you had invited him to. As you make your way from his porch, he calls after you.

"Have a good time at the party tonight!"

"Thanks, You too!"

This may be one of the worst yet, as far as you, the unfortunate chap, goes. All the respective social authorities strictly forbid pouring over a farewell. You are half-way down the front walk by that time. And besides that, you were already bellowing across the lawn loud enough to wake the neighbors' deaf Siamese. The situation looks very grim. You keep walking anyway. You are not a fast thinker; that is why you got into this miserable, blundering business in the first place, blast it all! Behind the front door, your friend sneers derisively at the accidental transgression, despite his better upbringing. It is a bitter and cruel world we live in. The third response is a mutual moment of silence. This offense reveals more about the true character of the person at fault than both the other two solecisms.

"How's it goin'?"

"Horrible. My mum just died, the rest of my family disowned me, I lost my job and I'm a failure at life."

"Oh, that's good."

Awkward. Painfully awkward. And what do you say after something like that? Do you say, "I'm sorry, I am SO used to being indifferent about how you feel anyway, it just comes naturally now."? That will definitely NOT cut it. The only thing left for you to do is to prepare to live a life of social exclusion, harassment and sustained self-loathing. What a terrible way to be remembered by! What would your high school coach say to your biographer when you are gone? "He was a good kid. Really he was. He knew how to put his heart into the game. He was just socially backward." But let not your heart be troubled. All of these injustices CAN BE REMEDIED! My solution? Simply do not make these fatal errors to begin with.

~Curtis~

Again

Here's a song I just wrote a few minutes ago. Enjoy:

I'll find the words to let you know
but inside there's something I can't show
I get lost in a world that no one sees
and no one knows it's even me
before you walk away
before you walk away

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
so I'll lie to make it end
(I lie to make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
I'm trapped inside my head
(again)

I fight with voices no one hears
and couldn't stand down because of fear
want to break away from this duplicity
but I'm fighting just to breathe
before you walk away
before you walk away

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
so I'll lie to make it end
(I lie to make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
I'm trapped inside my head
(again)

I really want there to be
just you and me
but I keep getting in the way
I keep getting in the way
so please

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
maybe I'll make it to the end
(this time I'll make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
(again)
this comes so hard again
(again)
again

~Curtis~

Water

I just drank the best water in the world. Lincoln water is the best ever. Not Blair water. Not Topeka water. Not even Minneapolis water. There's just something about water from the city you grew up in that is so magical. It's like seeing an old park you played at as a child, or a neighborhood you grew up in. This water is your childhood. As soon as you drink it, you just automatically recognize it.

I think the most magical thing in the world, is taking a bottle of home water with you on a trip. I don't know about you, but the fun was over as soon as my bottle was empty. It was my connection to home. Maybe it's a security blanket issue, (thank you, Peanuts) or maybe it's nostalgia, or even identification. This was the water I grew up with, played in and was nourished by. (well, not this very water, but water from the same source) I honestly don't know how I could deal with someone who didn't like water. We'd probably become bitter foes and wind up having it out with swords on a tall structure. In slow motion. Always in slow motion. And very dramatically.

You see, water from home never changes. I draw most of my security in life from this. You'll never wake one day to find out that the water-treatment plant had flavored it with strawberry or sassafras or pumpernickel. The world is a better place when you've had a glass of home water. You want to know why some kids grew up to be derelicts and evil people? Their mums didn't give them enough water to drink. Yup. It's not exactly clinically proven, but I'm pretty sure they'd at least be better citizens if they'd drank more water as they were growing up.

Water is just insanely fantastic. What do you think the phrase "the glass is half-full" was talking about? I can tell you what it wasn't talking about. It wasn't talking about a glass of scotch, or milk, or Sunny D. Oh no. It was talking about the all-natural goodness that is water. You also know what? In the end, it really doesn't matter whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. What matters, is who's going to drink the water that's left! And that "who" should be you.

People can have their coffee. That's fine. I like coffee. But there'd be no coffee in the mug if there weren't thousands of little water molecules running their little droplets off through the percolator. Just think about it. Every time you walk outside, you're walking over humongous underground ducts that pipe unfathomable amounts of water to thousands of people, bringing joy and happiness to their other-wise mundane lives! Want to stimulate the economy? Ask your local grocer for water! Water makes people happy. And everybody knows that happy people are productive people and economically-stimulating people! Are you a proud US citizen? Drink water! Are you an under-privileged, third class US citizen? Drink water! Are you a 70s draft-dodger and former president of the US? Drink water! All the world's most successful CEOs drank water!

*turns head to the side and dramatically takes a swig of water*

~Curtis~

Your Show

I just saw an amazing movie. It is called The Truman Show. (1998) The star of the movie, Truman Burbank (played by Jim Carrey) discovers one day that his life is a reality tv show. Through a series of singular events, Burbank becomes curious about his world. He attempts to escape from the city that his adopted author created. In the end, Burbank faces the option of either staying in the perfect world where he is nurtured and cared for by the author, or leaving and discovering the real world. Possibilities and new expectations remain in the air as the director of the movie (Peter Weir) cuts the film just as Truman Burbank walks out of the controlled universe created for him.

Now I'm definitely not a fan of science fiction. The closest movie I ever got to liking in that genre was The Matrix. Nonetheless, I always love good story lines that take slightly different spins on what we consider to be the ordinary. After watching the movie, I was simply taken back. There is so much that is woven into the plot. The Truman Show pulled several strings in my heart and opened several doors of inquiry in my mind.

There is a quote from the movie that remains with me. When the author of the show is being interviewed he says, "We accept the reality of the world with which we're presented." This is an interesting concept. To a certain degree, we take the world around us at face value. Geographically, we know that life can be completely different on the other side of the world, or on a seperate continent. Spiritually, we have an abiding premonition that there's something more to this life. Ecclesiastes 3.11 tells us that God has placed eternity in our minds, so that we would seek after it, but never understand it entirely.

Another thought that strikes me is how unique people are. Do you ever considered how much of an irony it is for an actor to play the starring role in a biography? The only person who can ever do as much with the circumstances, background and characteristics that you have... is you. No one else can play your life. But we also need to remember that our lives were given to us by God. The world will always tell us that we are who we choose to be; however, this is not true. King Solomon tells us, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16.9) Our task is set before us and the wise man will follow after God. No one will be walking off this set without scripting from God.

I will leave you all with a few questions. Does God exist to relate to us? Do we exist to relate to each other, or do we exist to relate to God? While Truman Burbank leaves a world of facades for a real world, he also leaves a relationship with the author for a relationship with other people. Given, the author in The Truman Show was by no means an accurate portrayal of our Heavenly Father.

This is your show and everybody's watching. How are you going to relate to your Author?

~Curtis~

A Whiter Shade of Pale

Yo. Welcome to another fun, pointless blog. :) I'm going to try to incorporate some different things in my post. This is going to be another "what's on Curtis' mind tonight?" *grins* Welcome to a brave new world.

Maybe I'll pretend to be Norwegian and start all my paragraphs with "so then," lol. Oh, and I'll make dreadfully uninteresting declarative sentences. You know the kind. The ones that people make when they really don't want to be talking to you at all. You both stare at your drinks and glance awkwardly in different directions, as if you'd prefer stepping out in front of a runaway semi just about now.

"So then... you work in accounting?"

It never really is a question. And then, it isn't an observation of life, either. It's more like an acknowledgment, like nodding to a stranger as you pass him on the street. Something has to be said because something has to fill in the silence. Goodness, anything but the dreadful silence.

"Yes."

Wow. As if that solitary statement doesn't do more to kill the conversation than saying something stupid. I mean, even if you slapped the man across the face or dumped your drink over his wife's head, at least that would launch into an inquiry. Of course, it wouldn't be the socially recommended thing to do if you were aiming to begin a meaningful friendship. There are more awkward glances. Simultaneously, you clear your throats as if you're both visualizing the same semi, gunning down the freeway, with you, gleefully standing on the curb, ready to meet your Maker.

"How many years have you been there?"

The other man jerks his head back around to the conversation. He was just thinking about running over to the punch bowl and submerging his head until he expired.

"What?"

A look of disappointment spreads across his features. You repeat your question.

"How many years have you been working in accounting?"

"Oh, about 20 years now."

If you really want to gamble, ask a man about his job. Your results in opening such a field of discussion will be quite varied. If he loves his job, then you have hit the jackpot and a life-long friendship is practically secured. If he hates his job, then you will get a cold reply with a reproachful look at bringing up such a painful subject at a social function. At this point, you will need to use one of those emergency conversation respirators such as the weather or politics if you want to salvage the situation. If he is simply indifferent about his job then you are lost. You might as well say something stupid and leave the room immediately.

"Ah. How do you like your job?"

These are dangerous and uncharted waters now. It will be either sink or swim from here on. The man has been working there for 20 years, so he clearly ought to have a firmly-developed opinion about his place of employment. There will be no indifference about the matter. If he hates his job, then you will be faced with quite a daunting task. The very survival of the relationship now hangs in the balance.

"The pay is horrible. People need to learn how to appreciate a good employee when they have one."

This is the moment when the hero of the narrative looks to the east. Time slows down and for some reason, nothing can touch him as the resolution to the conflict comes riding over the next hill on a white steed. A brilliant, almost blinding light shines from beyond the hill. Your friend has returned from the bathroom. Your salvation has come.

"Well. It looks like we're ready to take off! It was nice meeting you."

Here, we have another irony. Even if both parties have internally agreed that the conversation has been a complete waste of time and brain cells, you still carry out the conventionalities. It's like giving a cigarette to a condemned man. Another prime example of these conventionalities is, "Stop by anytime you're in the neighborhood!" Of course they don't honestly expect you to stop by anytime you're in the neighborhood. In most cases, they're hoping that you don't even make it as far as the neighborhood. Or there's another classic, "I was in the area, so I thought I'd drop in!" They probably drove all the way across town to be a bug on your doormat, a grub in your garden, a proverbial fly in your proverbial greenhouse of life. In reality, they are trying to cover up their social blunder with guises of politeness.

So then. That's all I have for y'all tonight! I'll be blogging again soon! Ttyls!
~Curtis~

*Edit*

Ok y'alls. I've decided to pull that post I had up about the radio station. My mom and I agreed that if someone who didn't know me as well read it that they might get some wrong ideas about me, lol.
The world just wasn't ready for that one, in general. I think the humor was a little too dark anyway. Hopefully I'll be getting another post out with some good solid humor in it to make up for that one.

:-)

Tty'alls latah!
~Curtis~

This is Grace

I'm listening to Dido right now. The front porch is a good place for contemplating life. This last week has been a little hard for me. Ok, it's been very hard for me. I've been gone from home everyday this week. Life never slows down; have you ever noticed that? At first, it seems to crawl, but really, it's just plodding along at its own pace. Then more things happen, schedules fill up and things occasionally go wrong. You're lost in a rush of deadlines and conflicts. But you never stay hopelessly submerged.


This is Grace.

Life is like the small, unstable line on a heartbeat monitor. Each spasmodic jump records another valley and mountain of life. If we didn't have those mountains and valleys, we wouldn't exist. Not that they sustain life, but they are simply a natural part of it. No one's life is completely downhill nor is it completely uphill.

This is Grace.

Time plods on and you start another descent, somehow never dropping as far as you could. Just when you think that you'll never stop, you lightly touch the bottom of your valley. It's almost imperceptible, like landing softly in a stack of hay, or drifting gently until your feet grasp the sandy bottom of a lake, sending a miniature cloud of sand and dirt swirling into the clear depths. And, like a diver, you look up again towards where the refraction of light plays around the surface of the water, soft and luminous.


This is Grace.

You gaze fixedly up. Your breath has left you and darkness begins to wrap around the corners of your vision. A strong updraft begins to rise, inexplicably. Instinctively, you squint; the warm water caresses your face as you shoot up through the murkiness. The light grows more distinct and the darkness drops quickly below you. All you can do is look up. Finally, you break the surface. Thousands of crystal-clear droplets splinter into the air. Oxygen rushes into your lungs and the sensation tingles through your whole being. You're free.

This is Grace.

Thank you, Lord.

~Curtis~

I like BBQing

It's time for another blog. So here I am, sitting in front of Jeeves, waiting for the Spirit to move me. *sigh* I don't like being pressured to do anything. It's like sitting down and being told to write a 10 chapter piece of historical fiction at gun-point. It just doesn't work. Oh wells. I'm sure I'll move past it.

I've been attacked by praying mantises. A few days ago, one fell off the ceiling of my little porch right next to me. It scared the Sam Hill outta me! And then today, I looked to the right of Jeeve's screen to discover one crawling up my leg. This time it only scared the Emily Dickinson outta me. I calmly flicked him off into the grass and then quietly screamed into my sleeve. Now, I guess I don't mind them that much, but I'd really prefer that they find somewhere else to do their praying.

I bought the biggest, fuzziest slippers the other day. I just walked into Wal-mart and there they were. Well, maybe not quite like that. I was looking at external dvd drives and ingredients for homeade bombs when for some reason, I wandered over to the shoe department. I was just about to head back to electronics when a couple furry creatures caught my eye. They were made to look like the severed heads of two bull dogs. To put them on, you had to stick your feet in their mouths. Strangely enough, this appealed to me. So now I am the proud owner of Alex and Samantha. (Alex is the left foot swallower and Samantha is the right foot swallower) It's great! I still get worried looks from my mom each time I walk through the house.


Wow. I am literally falling asleep as I write this. I've been getting more and more tired at night. This disturbs me. I'm a teenager. What happened to my epic ability to stay up all night and party? I even chugged down a little Mountain Dew goodness before heading to my underground lair. Maybe it's for the best anyway. I have a ton of things that I have to get done before tomorrow... er... today is over. *grins*

And I still haven't convinced my mom to let me wear my pajamas to school yet. I'm disappointed. I don't know how many times I've bugged her about letting me take Alex and Sam to class already. I look fairly respectable in my 'jammies, lol. Me: "It's not like I'd be breaking any dress codes..." Dad: "No, but you would be, soon after." Wearing 'jammies is all the rage in China. The Chinese get away with it all the time. It's pretty fascinating.

Welp, I'm gone like a snowman in July. Until next time, bieeee!
~Curtis~

May I be honest with you?

I was reading the "Define Me" blurb on my Facebook today. It was interesting to read what words people used to describe me:

addict (thank you, Vieve), adorable (?, lol), beautiful spirit, chill, easy-going, encouraging, fun, genuine, godly, honest, humorous, inspiring, optimistic, passionate, talkative (don't know why they came up with that one), trustworthy and upright.

So I know that most of these were light-hearted. But "genuine?", "godly?", "honest?" and "upright?" It got me thinking. This is how people see me, even though I fall down in these very areas every day of my life. Maybe I'm just being my hardest critic? And then I read 1 Corinthians 4:3, 4; "But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me." I wish so much that I could measure up to that. There's days when I've lost more ground than I gained and I intentionally let myself slide. As I was reading that 1 Corinthians passage, I just thought about what that would mean, to live as to have nothing on the proverbial rap sheet.

I don't want to just have a clean conscience, though. Romans 1:8; "First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is proclaimed in all the world." Can you imagine what it would be like to have a faith that is proclaimed of in all the world?? A person like that could easily change the world! I wish so much that I could be upright, Godly and a man of faith. I guess I just want to tell everybody that I'm not. I struggle with being a witness to people in person. I abuse the Grace of the Cross. I'm not honest with my parents at home. I have ulterior motives for otherwise, self-less looking things I do and say. I get so sick of it!

I used to think it was so curious when one of my friends signed their blog with "Your Fellow Sinner." I think as Christians, we are so willing to identify with the justification we've received and not willing enough to identify with the depths we came from and still return to. If you look at the Patriarchs of the Old Testament, you'll see something more than just great men of faith. You'll see humans, people who tried to do it their way. People who screwed up all the time. But you'll also see people who fell down on their faces before the presence of God and men who cried, "I am not worthy!" or "I am a dead man!" I think we need to return to that place. This is the place where we were when we came to the foot of the Cross and cried, "I am a sinner! I can't do this on my own, so I need YOU to save me!" True faith is taking God at His word and acting upon it. True repentance is not only turning away from sin, but turning to God to completely take over everything. True humility is always remembering the Cross, where we fell, where He picked us up and who He is. It's true, we are saved by Grace. We are justified by the blood of Christ. But we are all also just sinners saved by Grace.

Your Fellow Sinner, Saved By Grace,
~Curtis~

Just Testing

So I took my SAT yesterday morning. It wasn't the first time I'd taken it, so I was vaguely familiar with the procedure.

"You may now turn your test booklet over and write your name, address, social security number and all existing credit card account information in the blanks provided."

It was comparatively easy to the previous time. I pretty much had the drill down.

"Please place all pencils, calculators and brains on the desk in front of you. Do not put your brains in until you are told to do so. Any extra brain batteries must be approved. If you put your brains in before permitted, your test will automatically be disqualified and you will be shot down by a sniper from the opposite building and your body will be dumped in the nearest convenient landfill."

I was in the zone. I heard a voice droning on somewhere around me about rules and regulations, but I didn't pay attention to that. It was just a bunch of bureaucratic red tape anyway.

"Please be sure that all automatic weaponry is set to "safe" and placed under your desk. Do not attempt to take any test material out of the room. The "swapping" of brains will not be tolerated. Your family will be hunted down and held for ransom on E-bay."

The instructor was fairly nice. He was one of those types who would make a pun if the occasion arose, or even say something funny.

"You will have as many minutes as it takes me to finish knitting this sweater for my new little niece. Turn to page one in your test booklet and good luck with the rest of your life... "

If you don't want an average public high schooler to understand what you write, use cursive. It's like a foreign language to them. The only kids who honed any real cursive skills were the math geeks. You know the ones: long, greasy hair, black Led Zeppelin tee-shirt, bleach-white skin from staying inside all day long playing online role-playing games and bad eyesight from staring at the screen of his scientific calculator and computer screen into the early hours of the morning.

So that was pretty much my day at the test center. It was fun.

:)

~Curtis~

creatively, no subject

So it's time to break out Jeeves for another blog. I haven't written anything humorous for a while, so here it goes. It will probably be very random, because I don't have a specific subject in mind. Maybe I'll just write down my stream of consciousness.

State of mind: definitely happy. Maybe even a little bit "giddy." :-)
Reason: I just went out for coffee with some awesome people, one of whom I haven't hung out with in a while.
Damper: I got home on time, (for once in a long time, lol) but didn't come in for 10 minutes because I was listening to music in Nate's car outside. So my parents were a little irked at me and Dad threatened to charge me $1 a minute for being late in coming in. So that wasn't very cool. I'm gonna have to start doing something about that. Like maybe becoming super punctual just to win some confidence. *shrugs*
Thought now: I wonder if I'll get sleepy anytime soon. I used to be on a 5 am schedule, but that's pretty much gone out the window, lol. Maybe I should get back to it...

So I went on a comment rampage on Facebook the other day! It was freakin-amazzing! And yes, I just spelled that with two "z"s. I think there should be more words with "z"s in them. Those poor little letters of the alphabet barely get any of the spotlight. The "e"s pretty much get the glory. "How do you crack a code? Just remember that "e" is the most used letter of the alphabet!" Pfft. I say, "Use more "z"s!" and, "Support your local foundation for lost, misplaced and otherwise underprivileged "z"s!"...

I wonder if a granola bar at midnight would taste any different than a granola bar at noon. I mean, what if you did a scientific investigation into the puzzzlement and the granola bar they tested with at midnight had some manufacturers defect in it. And so when some clinic from somewhere in China publishes a scientific journal, everybody goes crazzy. Stores around the world would run out of granola bars before midnight and the people who really needed their post-midnight snack like me would be up-river, without a paddle! *gasp*...

I want to go tubing. The last time I went tubing, waaaas-- way too long ago. :-) I should call up my uncle and ask him what the dealio is and why he hasn't taken me tubing again. It was fun! I was such a cute little tyke back then. I remember riding on the tube behind the motorboat (it was the first time I'd been on a motorboat, too) and I was waving to the people on board. I don't know if they said I was brave afterward just because I was a cute little tyke and somehow they wouldn't have expected such an act of heroism out of me, or because I was simply a cute little tyke. Maybe I'll just go with both. *grins*...

So I realized that I use the word "actually" quite a lot the other day. Isn't it funny how you realizze something habitual that you've not really noticed before? It's like chewing on your nails when you're nervous, or unconsciously holding up at gun point the teller at the bank at you're depositing money at. Man, I do that so much, it's not even funny anymore. It's so embarrassing, too, "Ohh, I'm so sorry, it's just a compulsive disorder I picked up from some leftover Chinese sesame chicken that was fattened artificially by dangerous hormones. You can put the money back into the walk-in safe--oh, and don't forget to let Frank out." Talk about awkward. Most people just don't understand it when you start mugging them in a dark alley that it's just because you've got some psychological issues you need to iron out of your genes. I mean, how can you help it if your great-great-great grandaddy of all grandaddys was a compulsive nut-case? Destiny will make slaves of us all, I say. *sighs*

I should go to bed. My mom might need me to drive her to an 8:30am doctors appointment today. *man, life is hard, isn't it?*

Talk to y'alls later!
~Curtis~

The Meaning Of Life...

I've been thinking about something lately. Why do humans place such a high importance on their existence? I remember reading the lyrics to a song by Moby. (not an artist I particularly listen to, btw) The song took an interesting look at hotel rooms. We go to a hotel with expectations of cleanliness and order. We act like we're always the first people staying in that room; if we see any remnants of the former occupants, we complain. But why? We live in a world of people. Everyday, our lives overlap those of others. We all share the same existence.

Why do we think this life is so important then? Existence is in a constant struggle to define itself. We fight for our dues in life as though we need some compensation just for breathing the same air that everybody else breathes. The world is telling itself that existence is pointless and we all have to find our own meaning. But what if, somehow, one thing holds more meaning than another? What if what you're doing now holds more meaning that what you were doing 10 minutes ago? How do you find meaning from what you do? Happiness is capricious, expendable and empty. That one thing that brought you happiness 10 minutes ago obviously does not bring you as much happiness now, since you're currently doing something else. Everything depreciates. However, we always excuse ourselves, push back our chairs and get up to look for another distraction. Happiness has an abysmal appetite and is never satisfied. In itself, it is not misleading, but it is if it becomes our criteria for finding meaning in life. Would you expend all your time and resources building a house at the bottom of mountain that was known to have disasterous avalanches?

Are we bound to this fate then? What do we have in this world to find meaning from if everything depreciates and happiness afords no sure contentment? We must look beyond this world. Men have sought after religion for thousands of years to attain purpose. But that is not enough. They are still attempting to create their own meaning through religious duties and empty works of Godliness. They need something that tells them the meaning of life and gives them a solid purpose for existence. At the Fall of Man, in the beginning of the world, we lost fellowship with God. Sin had complete reign in our mortal bodies and we were left with a longing for what was gone. God gave us a way to regain what we lost. But it was solely on His conditions. It had to be. He gave us His Son as the Savior for our sins on the cross. Jesus was the only way that we could find purpose and meaning again. His death restored the missing fellowship between us and God. All we are called to do, is turn away from our own feeble attempts to find meaning from this existence on our own and rest completely in Jesus to fulfill our need. We have to measure things in this world by eternity. Are you making an impact on someone for Christ? Do you think about God's meaning for your life? People live and people die. What are you doing to make a difference that will last?

~Grace and peace be with you~

Letter of Intent

Once you read this... I'll be gone. Lol, just kidding. No, it's not like that. I'll probably be in the kitchen, snacking out of the refrigerator as I usually am. *grins*

So anyways, for those that don't know me very well, I'm Curtis. I'm very upbeat and happy most of the time. I love making people laugh and encouraging others. There's also a serious side to me. I like thinking about life and digging into issues. I have the pleasure of being related to several people. They are my spiritual family and I haven't even met a lot of them. But you know what? That's ok, because I will meet them all one day in Heaven. This blog is yet another place that I will use to connect with friends and, hopefully, new people.

Give me a shout if you know me. If you don't know me, feel free to leave a comment anyways! I'd love to get to know you!

Grace and peace be with you
~Curtis~