I Still Try To Find My Place in the Diary of Jane...

Life is moving along. The future is still uncertain, but I'm learning how to accept that. Right now my interests lie in cinema and digital video. Depending on job availability, that might change. I've been learning to let go of interests. There is no security anywhere. I think this is God's way of keeping me moving. That's another thing I've learned lately. Following God never means settling down in one place and going static. There are tasks that always needs to be done, places that always need to be visited, people that always need to be met and a purpose that always needs to be discerned. Really, the Christian Walk is aptly named. My life is not so unlike an enormous jig-saw puzzle. God keeps fitting more pieces into place. Parts of me that I thought were lost are being restored. And always, I'm longing for the day when all makes sense and my picture is completed.

The people in my life are changing. I feel like a revolving door. I'll meet an individual or even a family who plays a part in my life and then God will move them somewhere else. Again, instead of resenting this cycle, I've come to accept it. I can appreciate someone for what I've been able to give to them as well as what they've given to me. As long as I can remember, I've been focused on people. Now I'm realizing more and more the ever-widening impact I have on those around me. But it's a little more than that. There's a different kind of freedom. Since more of the pieces of my life and characteristics are coming together, I'm finding that I can change myself to fit the needs of other people more specifically. And to supplement this, people are coming into my life that I feel like I can really mean something to.

I'm still far from where I need to be, though. It's still a challenge to speak the Gospel to others in person. This is usually hard for everybody, I guess. But it'll be on my mind even, when I'm talking to someone and somehow I just don't bring myself around to telling them. I don't even know what I'm afraid of; I know that people respect me for being myself and for getting to the point. So many times, I'll rake myself over the coals because I let an opportunity slip by. My mom is such an encouragement to me, though. Before she even leaves the front house, she will start praying for an opportunity to witness to someone. And she follows through, too. She has literally witnessed to people behind her in line at our neighborhood grocery store. When she can't sleep at night (which is every night, towards the very early morning) she prays for people until she falls back asleep, or it's time to get up. For as long as I can remember, she has read through the entire Bible each year. I think she's read through it well over 15 times, now.

So that's a little bit of my life.

~Curtis~

Social Graces, Revisited

It is funny to watch the nature of people and observe their presumed social responsibilities. In any given situation, someone will nearly always act in a way that they feel is socially acceptable. It can be hilarious when a situation comes along for which a prepared response in not available, packaged and ready for unloading. These situations can be very awkward and they often end in embarrassment, or harassment, sympathy, self-pity and brief to sustained self-loathing. Context in a conversation is the key, ladies and gentlemen. Always remember that. Prime examples of this tragic phenomenon are the misplacements of the traditional expressions, "thanks, you too," its counterpart, "yea, me too," "same here," or "oh, that's good." Most of these blunders are made abstractly and off-hand, to the great distress of the perpetrator, and occasionally, the hapless target.

"The semester exam is coming up. I wish I were dead!"

"Yea, me too."

Silence mingled with light shock will ensue directly following a comment of that nature. There are typically three responses to these disturbances of the social equilibrium. It is generally acceptable to leave a moment of grace after this careless remark in hopes of redemption and restorative measures; however, that is entirely up to the individual's discretion and emotional needs. The first response for the situation presented is the accusation. A person with high emotional needs would stop perfectly still in their laments and prepare to launch into this entirely new direction.

"Did you just say you wished that I was dead?!? Jerk!"

The offending party is left in the inevitable state of confusion and defense. Blood rushes festively to their face and the room seems to grow a few degrees warmer. The second common response is the derision. The scene is: you are leaving the front steps of a friend's house. He had just expressed his sorrow at not being able to attend a social function you had invited him to. As you make your way from his porch, he calls after you.

"Have a good time at the party tonight!"

"Thanks, You too!"

This may be one of the worst yet, as far as you, the unfortunate chap, goes. All the respective social authorities strictly forbid pouring over a farewell. You are half-way down the front walk by that time. And besides that, you were already bellowing across the lawn loud enough to wake the neighbors' deaf Siamese. The situation looks very grim. You keep walking anyway. You are not a fast thinker; that is why you got into this miserable, blundering business in the first place, blast it all! Behind the front door, your friend sneers derisively at the accidental transgression, despite his better upbringing. It is a bitter and cruel world we live in. The third response is a mutual moment of silence. This offense reveals more about the true character of the person at fault than both the other two solecisms.

"How's it goin'?"

"Horrible. My mum just died, the rest of my family disowned me, I lost my job and I'm a failure at life."

"Oh, that's good."

Awkward. Painfully awkward. And what do you say after something like that? Do you say, "I'm sorry, I am SO used to being indifferent about how you feel anyway, it just comes naturally now."? That will definitely NOT cut it. The only thing left for you to do is to prepare to live a life of social exclusion, harassment and sustained self-loathing. What a terrible way to be remembered by! What would your high school coach say to your biographer when you are gone? "He was a good kid. Really he was. He knew how to put his heart into the game. He was just socially backward." But let not your heart be troubled. All of these injustices CAN BE REMEDIED! My solution? Simply do not make these fatal errors to begin with.

~Curtis~

Again

Here's a song I just wrote a few minutes ago. Enjoy:

I'll find the words to let you know
but inside there's something I can't show
I get lost in a world that no one sees
and no one knows it's even me
before you walk away
before you walk away

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
so I'll lie to make it end
(I lie to make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
I'm trapped inside my head
(again)

I fight with voices no one hears
and couldn't stand down because of fear
want to break away from this duplicity
but I'm fighting just to breathe
before you walk away
before you walk away

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
so I'll lie to make it end
(I lie to make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
I'm trapped inside my head
(again)

I really want there to be
just you and me
but I keep getting in the way
I keep getting in the way
so please

give me just a chance for
showing you anymore
this comes so hard again
(again)
maybe I'll make it to the end
(this time I'll make it end)
I really want you to see
another side of me
but this comes so hard again
(again)
this comes so hard again
(again)
again

~Curtis~