A Personal Confession

Matthew 6.24a says, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other.”

James 4.4 says, “Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”

I had wandered into a dangerous and distant land. There were excuses, of course, lies that I had told myself and my parents even though I knew the truth. Perhaps that is why I wandered as far as I did. But, with God’s help, I am turning around now, and I only thank Him that my parents’ and sister’s attention was called to it before I destroyed any more of my soul.

I listened to music that was not honorable, pure, or glorifying to God by any means. Because of my desire to be embraced by the friendship of the world, I exposed my soul and the souls of others to the world’s filth. It no longer mattered to me if the music I pursued was obtained legally or not. Most of the secular cds I had were stolen from the internet.

Over the space of a few weeks, the videos I watched became progressively violent and morally objectionable. Furthermore, as I continued to watch, the more I was able to stomach and, ultimately, be desensitized by. I failed to realize that my parents’ protection was well-founded and necessary. In short, I was sacrificing my conscience on the altar of my pride.

As of the other day, I have smashed and deleted all the illegal music I own. I have decided to listen only and indefinitely to Christian and classical music. My bit-torrent program is erased and fire walled from my computer. I am also blocking the sites from which I streamed the movies. In accordance with all of this, I am resuming the habit of playing my Bible on audio before bed each night. My parents are also holding me more accountable for the time I spend on my laptop. Currently, I am writing up a letter to send to the record companies that I stole music from to inquire about reimbursement.

And now, I wish to extend an apology and a plea to everyone who knows me and who reads this. Please forgive me for the destructive influence I’ve been to you all. I have betrayed my core values and the trust I had established with my friends and family. I understand the ramifications of my actions and I’m willing to accept any consequences that may follow these confessions. But please also bear me up in prayer for my restoration. If any of you read, hear, or otherwise observe behavior, speech, or lifestyles in me that are not glorifying to God, hold me accountable for it. Inform me about it if I do not seem to notice it myself. If I have done something publicly, then reprove me publicly. I would also invite anyone to call my parents if they see anything un-Godly in me.

~Curtis~

Breaking Outside

*This is a short poem I just wrote today. It can be a conclusion of sorts to "Again", I suppose.*

I'm breaking outside myself
reaching out to help you
turns out all that was between us
was always me
I'm breaking outside myself
reaching out to help you
I was blind to your hurt by fear
and my insecurity
(so now I'm) breaking outside of me

~Curtis~

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Here I am. Blogging again. I can't seem to crank out a funny blog for the life of me. God has been amazing to me lately and my life has been retaining some resemblance of substance. I guess I'm glad that my blogs have also become a little more serious, but I need to get a side-splitter out there soon.

This blog is written to everybody, the people who read it including the people who don't.

I have this dream again and again. When the dream comes to me, it's as real as it was the time before. Have you ever dreamed something so terrible, you wished you could wake up? Parts of your dream stay in your memory throughout the day and you catch yourself watching for parallels between the world you live in and the world your mind fabricated at night . I've been awake and wished that I was just dreaming. My dreams at night will loop their own versions of my reality in the day-time. Except I know that it isn't entirely a dream. It's a strange paradox. Here's my dream: one of my friends is standing on a cliff. I am at least a mile away. For some reason, I can see them clearly, as if I were standing right next to them, but I know that I am too far away to even touch them or talk to them. They keep moving closer and closer to the edge of the cliff and I start running towards them, screaming. No matter how hard I run, I can not get any closer to them. An awful feeling rises in my gut. They always fall, though, in my dreams and they always look towards me, as if they wish that I could reach out and pull them back from the brink. Time freezes and the image is then pasted in my mind for days and days on end.

This has been my dream. You might know who you are and you might be surprised to know who you are. There are several people who are falling... maybe it's just all in my dreams... maybe it's in reality. I've seen too many fall and I don't want to let another one go. I would die for them if I could bring them back and I would die for the ones who are reaching their cliff. Please, I love you all and I'd do absolutely anything for you. God knows all the nights I've cried myself to sleep for you and the other people I've seen jumping off their cliff.

Sometimes I question myself and I wonder if there's anybody else out there who dreams the same thing I do, anybody who would be willing to risk everything to bring someone back. If you're out there, do something. Talk to the people who need to be saved. Pray for them. Don't let them slip into darkness unnoticed. God's grace pulled us out of sin and adopted us into God's family. Do you know what? God's family is all about saving lives. Jesus taught His disciples how to be fishers of men; why should we think that we are called to any other purpose?

You all are always in my prayers.

~Curtis~

I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls.

'Ello world! It's me again, attempting to keep my blog alive with a desperately-needed update. Life has been... beautiful. There's a peace around me that I can't explain. I've been getting back to more regular prayer times. Maybe that's a part of it. If you ever need me to pray for you guys about anything, just let me know. I used to be more available to prayer requests and since I really miss that, I've decided to return to ministering to my friends. Some of y'all are in my prayers constantly and God is continuing to lay people on my heart. So just leave me a comment or an e-mail if you're just having a rough time with something and I'll count it as an honor to lift you up before the Lord.

I know this isn't a random or a funny blog, but hopefully the Spirit will move me a little later.

I love you all! I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you.

~Curtis~

PS. The title of my blog is from 2 Corinthians 12.15. I've decided to make it my new favorite verse.